“We do not aim just to control behavior, but to change the inner castle of the soul, that God may be worshiped ‘in spirit and in truth’ and right behavior cease to be a performance.” Dallas Willard ~The Divine Conspiracy
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21
Wow, the last month or so has seemed like a whirlwind. I can hardly believe that August is almost over and here I am writing yet another long overdue update. Actually, I have a confession to make…I started writing this about 2 weeks ago, and just haven’t been able to finish it…please forgive the delay. Although at home June, July and August are our summer months, here it is the time of the year that is cooler due to the rainy season, so I’ve been enjoying (sort of) the “winter”, although I wish I had some warmer clothes, and it makes me wonder how I’ll handle snow the next time I face it… So much has been happening lately here…in the last month we have had an ordination, a Speech and Prize-Giving Day (for a school of over 900 children), Discipleship Training School starting back up, trips to the orphanages, a training Seminar for teachers and parents at the school, a children’s day camp, about a hundred other little things, and birthdays galore (including mine a couple weeks ago, thanks to everyone who wished me well). Even a couple of weeks ago when things are “slower”, I found myself running around on a Monday to arrange a surprise for a friend’s birthday. At times I look at the calendar and I’m surprised to see how quickly time is passing, so that without even realizing it three months have passed since I was home last.
In the midst of all this activity, though, I’ve been learning so much about myself, others and God. I wish I could really explain all that I’ve been seeing and hearing and learning, but that would take so many pages, I’m afraid you would all fall asleep at your computer screens trying to get through it all. So instead let me focus on one thing that is becoming abundantly clear to me lately.
I am not content.
Probably you’re wondering now, “Does that mean she’s not happy? Is she coming back to the States? Is she going somewhere else?” I’m not talking about discontent with where I am or what I am doing, with the things I have or the people I know. What I mean to say is that I am not content to stay the same and not grow, not press on, not push deeper into the things of God. Lately I’ve really been feeling a growing discontent with the status quo of faith. I don’t want to simply say, “God’s grace has given me forgiveness of sins,” and go on sinning. I don’t want to say, “I’m doing okay, at least I’m not as bad as that guy. I’m not as ignorant of God as that person.” By no means do I want my life to simply be okay. I want my life to be extraordinary. I want to match up with what Paul says in Philippians 2, I want to be “blameless and pure, [a child] of God in a crooked and depraved generation, in which [I] shine like stars in the universe as [I] hold out the word of life…” I am no longer content to say, “I can’t preach, others do it better than I do, so I’ll just let them do it.” Who says I can’t preach? Who says I can’t teach God’s Word? I had an amazing experience the other day. I was invited to go speak at a children’s program in a town not too far from where our base is in Tema. One small problem—I thought it was going to be a week later than it turned out to be. So I got a call on Wednesday from the person coordinating the event asking me if I was all set for Saturday. I had a moment of complete mental panic where I thought, “I thought I would have another week to prepare, there’s no way I can be ready!” But for some reason, I said it wouldn’t be a problem. So Wednesday through Friday afternoon I was (somewhat frantically) trying to come up with some amazing talk that I could give that would really speak to the kids and the adults that were there. I came up with something, but as I was talking it over with a friend who had agreed to go with, she asked me whether it wasn’t a bit advanced for kids to grasp (which was actually exactly what I thought when I first came up with it). This was at about 9:30 pm on Friday. I went back to my room feeling so frustrated and looking at what I had prepared, trying to think of some way to adjust it. Finally I just kind of threw up my hands and asked God whether this was going to work at all. All of a sudden, I remembered a sketch we did on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic in 2005. It illustrated the parable of the lost sheep and the kids everywhere we went loved it. Then I remembered a kids’ song I learned from a friend on a trip to Mexico that sings about just wanting to be sheep, and the kids loved it. All of a sudden the ideas were flowing and I was at peace. So when it came time for me to speak the next day, I was more than ready, I was charged up! I was surprised at the emotion I felt as I talked, at the energy. As someone who has never really enjoyed public speaking, I loved this. And here’s the thing…it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me who came up with the ideas. It wasn’t me who picked what to talk about. Even the depth of feeling didn’t come from me, it came from God. And that’s the whole point…when I surrendered control and stopped trying to do it myself, God took over and used me. It is a truly humbling experience, but one that empowers at the same time.
The thing is that if I try to become more like Christ on my own power, I will fail. If I try to demonstrate the love of God to the world on my own strength, I will fail. If I try to become the woman that God created me to be on my own, I will fail. But if I give in to God, if I relinquish control, He changes me. He makes me more than I thought I could be. He takes me to places I never thought I could go. He shows me things I never thought I could see.
In a sermon I listened to recently, the Pastor said that success is contentment with what you have, while still reaching and pushing for your desires. This is actually what I am talking about. Although I am content with where God has placed me and what He has given me, I want so much to see the fulfillment of who God created me to be, to attain a measure of Christ-likeness in this life. One thing that I am so grateful for is the atmosphere in which God has placed me. Living in this community, I am surrounded by people who challenge me to grow, often without any conscious effort on their part. As I read God’s Word and look at their lives, I find myself encouraged to press on, to go deeper, and to ask myself “how am I doing in that area? How can I grow? What areas do I need to improve in? Where am I growing now? How have I changed from a year ago? Six months ago? A week ago?” Because definitely if I want to grow and change, I have to stop and take stock and make sure I’m growing right.
Having said all that let me close with one last scripture.
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining on toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14
